My Journey

I am fat and I have a problem. I am not saying it with any pride. You first have to admit you have a problem before you can fix what is broken. I am broken! I think the saddest part of this post is knowing that I have attempted this post for 2 years. I started writing this Thursday December 31, 2009. Over two years ago I am in the same boat as I was then. I am embarrassed and humiliated to be me. Honestly I hate me….

I am a lonely eater and emotional eater. I eat when others are not around. In the past I have hidden food and eaten it alone just so that no one would see me eating. I have an amazing husband who is very supportive of me, but it doesn’t seem to change the fact that I always resort to food as a friend and comfort.

I go out to dinner, but in all honesty I hate to go out. I feel like people are looking at me saying, “WOW do you really need to eat another meal?” Ha! Probably not, but I have always been self-conscious. Maybe because I might be that person saying those things if I was skinny! Shame on me if so, but I am being honest here!

I hate being overweight, I hate having to pay extra money for clothes because I am a PLUS size. I see cute clothes all the time under $10 for skinny “regular” people. I could buy an entire wardrobe of “regular” people clothes for the price of a PLUS sized dress. Yeah, that word makes you feel good too… PLUS … like here is a normal person PLUS part of another person. Do you ever wonder why someone decided that an overweight person should be considered PLUS sized? Was it to make them feel better about themselves or the overweight person to feel worse about themselves? Who knows, but I think it’s a good question. How about at a place like Wal-Mart in the men’s section … anything over an XL add another $2. Once again punished for being overweight. Then again if they are using more material to make bigger clothes I suppose it cost them more, but it makes the consumer feel like they are being robbed, and made fun of at the same time. Maybe that would make an interesting conversation piece at your next dinner party. Ha! Ha! Maybe not…

I have always wished I could go to stores like Forever 21, Aeropostale, Gap, and so on… Instead if I even get near their door the sales people look at me like I am a freak because they know that I can’t fit into anything they have in their stores, and the fact of the matter is I know it too.

I have so many goals in life I have not accomplished because I am FAT! I would love to feel comfortable in a swimsuit! Oh God to wear a bikini what a miracle that would be. I want to feel sexy again. I know my husband thinks I am sexy, but heck, I wouldn’t have sex in the day light to save my soul. When I see people who are seriously overweight, or maybe I should say fatter than I am, I always say to myself “Oh God please don’t ever allow me to get that fat”. I often wonder if when people look at me they say the same thing. “WOW please God don’t ever allow me to get as fat as she is.”

A very depressing event in my life was in October 2009. My husband and I went to Las Vegas for our third anniversary. When we got on the plane I tried to buckle up my seatbelt and finally did, but I broke a sweat doing so. It was an embarrassing struggle. I didn’t dare unhook it the entire flight because I knew it wouldn’t ever be buckled again. I was sitting on the isle, so there wouldn’t be disguising that. I was strapped in like a fat salami with no room to breathe. On the return flight I couldn’t get it buckled… not even close. I sat there struggling and struggling. I was starting to have a panic attack and sweating profusely because I couldn’t get it buckled. Oh my! I was humiliated. I was near the window so I just laid it over my lap and kept my arms over it as to not be seen by the flight attendant, much less by my husband. That was a very humiliating experience. I couldn’t have been any more embarrassed than I was at that moment. I sat there for three and a half hours in sheer terror that the flight attend would see my unbuckled seatbelt. Oh gosh! What if she called me out on the carpet on a full plane of people? To be comfortable I needed six more inches on that belt. I will not fly again until at least those 6 inches are gone.

The same part is I know that at 34 almost 35  I am not getting any younger, and I am afraid that if I don’t change my lifestyle I won’t be around much longer. I am grossly overweight and just gross.  I don’t want to die before I have to, and I don’t want to die because I was just too screwed up to stop eat. What is it about food that makes you so drawn to it? Food is fuel for the body not a reward system, not something that makes you feel good because it elevates your spirits. Food has a terrible emotional control over me, and I find it so depressing just thinking about it. Many time when I couldn’t have something I wanted to eat for whatever reason I would find myself getting very depressed and wanting to cry, sometimes even crying. I don’t have any close fat friends. All of my friends are thin and healthy, but not me, I have always been the fat one in the group. I have always been the one that couldn’t shop at all the cute clothing stores. The one that constantly worries that I will not fit into a chair, or fearful that I will break the chair if I sit in it. I hate being that person…

I have so much to live for, but in order to live I have to make serious changes. I have to figure out how to stop allowing food to control my life, my emotions, and me. I have a low self-esteem for the most part because I have never thought of myself as someone who mattered to anyone much less myself. I know that I matter to my husband and to my Mom, and I know that my Dad is looking down from heaven watching over me, and probably pretty disappointed in the fat person I am.  I have to admit I am pretty disappointed in the person I am too.

I want to change my life, lifestyle, and my self-esteem. I want that airplane seat buckle to click together with ease!! I want to feel like a human again. I don’t feel like one right now. I feel like a fat animal with a skinny person inside. I am beyond embarrassed!

I need to learn how to eat well, make wise choices, and stop being an emotional eater, stop being dependent on food. I don’t know how to get over being an emotional eater. I don’t know how to make this journey a success and change my own mindset. I assume like most just one day at a time.  

I need to lose alot ugh! I don’t think the fact that I am overweight is a secret to the world, but I think it has been a secret to me. I hope starting Monday I can figure it out one pound at a time. I have to just keep remembering that every pound is a victory.

The reasons I need (want) to lose weight:

  1. My health! I come from a long line of people with health problems. I have been very lucky, but I don’t want to test fate. I want to feel good, have knees that feel good and I want to know that I am going to live a long happy and healthy life. 
  2. My self-esteem! I am a crazy vibrant person that holds back because of my weight! I know … I know … if you know me you must be thinking wow if she is holding back who really lies beneath those pounds? I am a little crazy, but the good kind of crazy.
  3. My family. I want my family to be proud of who I am. I want them to look at me and see the person I really am.
  4. I want a baby. I had a miscarriage in March of 2009. I often wonder if it was because I am overweight. I decided I wouldn’t try to get pregnant again until I am at a healthy weight to carry a baby. Not only for my safety, but the babies too.
  5. For that swimsuit that keeps calling my name. I want to wear a swimsuit and feel amazing wearing it. I hate feeling like an orca whale with a rubber band tied around me.
  6. Cute Clothes! I want to be able to wear cute clothes! I want to be able to walk into specialty shops knowing that I can fit into anything and everything they have. 
  7. For me! I want to be who I really am! I am not the fat girl with low self-esteem. I am the skinny, showy, crazy girl that’s currently trapped in a place I want to shed.

I am not delusional! I know that this is going to be a tough battle. One day at a time, and one-step at a time. I also know that there will be times I will mess up, but messing up isn’t my fate, merely a minor setback that can be corrected by just jumping back in the game again. I am a survivor for many reason, but for some reason I have allowed the fat to win. Well fat I have just a few words for you… you have not met the new and improved me who wants to change my life most importantly for me. My goals are to stay focused, work out, and eat right.

My goal on this life long journey is to post daily what I have eaten, the calorie count, and what exercise I have done.